I know a lot of people may not think the way I do on this topic, but I just want to start by saying I believe a large problem in the world today starts with the fact that so few people truly have God in their lives. I think God is the center of what makes a person and without that you will be lacking in a lot of areas. If you ever ask someone who knows God now, but lived a life of turmoil before knowing him they will agree with me when I say knowing God changes everything in your life from the actions you do and the thoughts you have and the way in general you live your life. If you don't know God you are only more and more susceptible to the Devil and believe me people when I say he is waiting at every corner for the opportunity to ruin your life. Even those who know God can be faced with the devil from time to time... he seeks you out when you are at your weakest. And unfortunately it is so easy for people to fall right into the path he wants you to walk. Here are a couple verses before I go into detail on why I feel the way I do.

The Devil will try to Attack you...

Luke 4:2-8
Being tempted for forty days by the devil. And in those days he ate nothing and afterward, when they had ended he was hungry. And the devil said to Him, "If you are the Son of God command this stone to become bread." But Jesus answered him saying, "It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every work of God." Then the devil, taking him up on a high mountain showed Him all kinds of kingdoms of the world in a moment of time. And the devil said to Him, "All this authority I will give you and their glory, for this has been delivered to me and I give it to whomever I wish. Therefore if you will worship before me, all will be yours. And Jesus answered and said to him, "Get behind me Satan, for it is written you shall worship the Lord your God, and Him only shall you serve!"

James 4:7
Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.

1 Peter 5:6-11
God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Therefore humble yourselves under the might hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for he cares about you. Be sober; be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

I know this from first hand experience otherwise I would not speak so boldly in the belief. I have known God since I was around 12 or 13, but fell far away from him for quite sometime in my late teens - early adulthood. Now in my own my mind I didn't see it that way I saw it like well I still prayed... but when I look back and evaluate my prayer I only prayed when I was in need of God's help.. In need of his help for things I brought upon myself. Let me give you a little background on a life I used to live.

Here is me at 17/18 ... last year of high school... not a worry in site. I had a good boyfriend at the time, I was very smart in school, I was very good at hockey and lacrosse, very active in school plays and musicals, held blood drives 3 times a year to save lives and put together donations for needy families at my church, I didn't have many "real" friends but that sort of thing didn't seem to effect me at the time. I had a good job in which I worked very hard at and enjoyed being with the people I worked with. Things in my life seemed to be going in the right direction as I was about to graduate high school and enter the real world. Even into my first year of college I maintained this lifestyle, but then things started to change. Everything I am about to say I take full responsibility for - please do not interrupt any of it as if I can say this is what caused me to lose my mind because I know for sure I brought it on myself - every bit of it.

2nd year of college - Got a new job at Bally Total Fitness. I loved this job - I was in the best shape of my life being able to work out at any time I wanted for free. I was promoted from a front desk girl to the operations manager and front desk manager within 3 months of being there... all the while still attending school full time. I was feeling so good about myself. I proved a great work ethic and the ability to maintain an A average in college and I made all these friends like I had never experienced before. These friends that did things I had never really done before. We'd go to their houses and have big parties... drinking like crazy. Drinking and drinking like crazy.

Now one little piece of information I left out... but is very important... My whole life I have been very organized, overly organized actually. I was never the kind of kid that needed to be told to do my homework or to go to bed or anything really. I set very high expectations of myself from day 1 and I stuck to them. I am extremely clean and tidy and can't stand when things are out of place. This is called OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) but no worries to those who know about OCD I didn't have it to the degree of washing my hands till the skin fell off or having to lock the doors and shit over and over again - the only thing I did repetitively really was regarding the alarm clock. I'm not sure why but even if I watched you set my alarm I still had to do it myself 3 times. My mom thought this OCD was getting in the way of me not having friends and stuff though because I guess I was a little stand off-ish. I didn't really care if people liked me or not because I kind of had this attitude if it isn't done my way then it won't be done properly. She was constantly worrying about me not having friends and things (I wish she hadn't so much, but I know it's only because she loves me more then anything). So in turn she suggested I get on something like Zoloft to try and control my OCD. I eventually folded and agreed in my first year of college. Once I was on Zoloft there was a lil change. Even my mom would say well there's a mess in Sarah's room, but I guess I'd rather there be a little mess then her to have an attitude. Parts of my OCD did start to fade a little... and so this puts us back to working at Bally's.

Now don't get me wrong there were still parts of my OCD visible and people loved to joke about it. People would come in my office and purposely move something on my desk just to see me over and over again put it back where I liked it. As I said I can't stand things out of place and that never went away. But back to the partying. Right on the Zoloft bottles it says do not take with alcohol, but of course I didn't see a reason to worry. I drank like a fish. Smirnoff Ice was my first choice of drink but anything that followed was liquor - I hate the taste of beer. So I drank lots of liquor. And boy was it fun. We played every drinking game you could think of and I was having a blast. It was like I found a way to let myself go and I had made all these "friends" because of it. This was the big turning point in my life, but unfortunately it took me almost too long to realize it. That boyfriend I had I ditched after 3 years because he didn't want to take part in this new lifestyle and I basically abandoned my family to live with my new "friends". I had a new boyfriend (that I met a Bally's and still to this day can't figure out what it was that I liked about him - no offense, but it's the truth) that I moved in with. Bally's ended up being one of the most corrupt companies I've ever worked for and in the end I had to leave because of accusations I still to this day can't believe were put on me. Either way leaving was a great thing because I had an opportunity waiting for me in the field I was studying at school. Secondary Special Education. The partying by this point was seriously out of control. I clearly didn't know my limit and would become quite belligerent when I was wasted. I turned all these new friends against me. I'd start shit and then cry about it and this is when I first started to feel depression. Also by this point I could feel the Zoloft wearing off throughout the day and my doctor continued to increase my dosage. I remember one night in my drunken stooper I ended up on the back porch of our 3rd story apt. and crying and banging on the back door for them to let me in (after I had just started unnecessary fights with all of them). I threatened I'm going to jump if you don't let me in and my boyfriend at the time told me I don't care go ahead and jump and left me out there for hours. This is when I first started to feel like I wanted to die. I'd rather just die then deal with all that pain I was feeling. These are the times I'd find myself remembering who God was... only then did I pray when I wanted him to save me from my dying wish... but what was I thinking... being a child of God before I know that God isn't going to help me when I have all but forgotten his name until I need him. It doesn't work that way and I should have been smarter.

Now by this time I was working with Joey. I spent the next three years working in home as a behavior specialist with Joey, at the time an 18 year old boy with the mind of a 2 year old. He didn't walk well on his own, didn't speak, couldn't feed himself, shower, use the bathroom or any of that stuff on his own. He was also very aggressive. I taught Joey some great things that I am still to this day proud of. Before me Joey never said a word, but in the first couple of times of me being there he said my name. I taught him to speak through sign language a little and to get up the steps on his own... several other things that helped his family and I take care of him easily. I felt like I was doing a good job here finally giving this family a break from the very trying life they lived taking care of Joey. I even became friends with his sister (also an education major). I had finished my time at the community college and it was time for me to go to Towson. I moved to Towson with Joey's sister, our house was in walking distance to the college - it was a great set up. And I started hanging out with a whole new group of people, but a few from my past as well (my old 3 year boyfriend from high school). My new boyfriend took this as a sign it was time to go and left me but truthfully I wasn't upset about it. He wasn't anything like someone I would like in a relationship and as I said I still don't know why I was with him anyway. But the partying didn't stop. My roommates drank like fishes too and so it just went to a whole new level! I started making friends online by now too and would spend days online talking to people. I had become an insomniac by now not sleeping for days on end and when I'd finally crash I was OUT! Needless to say I rarely attended class and my schooling went from straight A's to failing 2 semesters in a row. I can't even tell you how many times my drinking turned into me trying to kill myself. I felt completely alone by this point. Also by now I was taking 200 mg of Zoloft a day opposed to the 10 mg a day I started on just a little bit ago and I could still feel it wearing off throughout the day. I believe it only made me more depressed because I had never felt depressed before taking Zoloft and I was losing all the qualities of the OCD that I liked about myself completely like my organization and high expectations. I just didn't care anymore all I was really thinking about was how I didn't want to live anymore feeling all this pain. Nothing seemed to make me happy. I had started cutting myself to erase the pain (a sign of Borderline Personality Disorder) and was encouraged by some of these new friends like it was some cool thing to do - believe me it isn't cool at all. I also started wrapping myself in a series of lies like I was living in a fantasy world, which people lying always comes around back at you and it just isn't worth it... There is nothing worse then a liar - and I can't believe I used to be one. I hated everyone around me lying, but then I lied myself... how can you expect something you don't like not to happen to you if you are doing it too. It all goes back to that "Golden Rule" theory from my last blog. The last time I took Zoloft I probably would have died if someone hadn't been there to force me to throw up. I had swallowed 7-200mg pills after a full night of drinking and I was ready to give up. I took myself off that shit that day - no more was I going to be on pills... I saw them as a leading cause in the way I was. Unfortunately I destroyed any relationship I had with my roommates and the new friends I created and I fell back onto that 3 year boyfriend and his friends. I moved out of Towson and attempted to go back to the community college. I kept my job with Joey but there was tension from that moment on... obviously his sister informed his mother of my suicide attempts and bad choices - I can't fault her for it - I put her in a bad position and she didn't know what to do, but I didn't see it that way then.

I gained this new group of friends and just continued to make bad choices. I started dating one of my ex's best friends - which people I advise to NEVER do. It is wrong for so many reasons and this new boyfriend is another one of those that I just don't even know why I wanted to be with them. He offered nothing I wanted in a boyfriend, but I think when it really boils down to it I was just lonely. I moved into there house which was pretty much a party house. All of our friends were always there if they didn't t live there anyway and we did all kinds of shit that seemed fun and different from what I was doing in the past that I thought "ruined" my life. I stayed there for a year and things just continued to go downhill. After several months of not being on Zoloft my mom convinced me that maybe it just wasn't the pill for me and I should give something else a try because I was always so depressed. So I did. I went on Lexapro. It did seem to work a little, but I would still get extremely irradical and paranoid. Causing fights with people for no reason really except maybe attention. I just never felt loved by anyone I was around and I pushed them to extremes to see if I was. Which is WRONG! Needless to say that relationship didn't work and neither did all those new friends.

A year later I found myself back home with my parents still wanting to die. I was so young to think I had ruined my life, but that's how I saw it. By this point the only discussions I had with God were blaming ones or questions of is this the way you wanted my life - as if it was his choice for me to walk the path I had. I remember calling out to God screaming why have you put me through all this - is there a reason?? Am I destined to live a life of sorrow?? Is it ever going to change? I hated myself. I saw my attempts at suicide as just another pathetic part of me... something I couldn't even succeed at... I mean how hard is it to kill yourself I thought. I was so wrong in my way of thinking. In reality I'm lucky God didn't let me succeed at any of those attempts and that's the way I should have seen it. I had lost any self-esteem I ever had by now and I was just going through the days to make other people happy. I was smoking a lot of weed by now though at night and talking online to new friends. I know lots of people will say bad things about weed, but weed is the only thing that would make me sit back and realize how irrational my thinking was. I met someone online who helped change my life. If I hadn't met him I'm not even quite sure if I'd still be here because I really did just want to give up - I just didn't know how I was going to do it living under my parents roof. I never wanted to put them through all the shit I did and I tried to keep most of my pain and agony a secret from them. Either way thank GOD for this angel he sent me.

After a long time of talking online we met in person and I can honestly say I fell in love at first site. He fell in love with me a week later... lol. We are still together to this day and will be for the rest of our lives. He is not only my true love he is the best friend I have ever had. Heath taught me so much about finding inner strength. Something I was completely lacking. All this time I blamed my life on my depression or my OCD or my past friends and boyfriends, but blaming someone or something else isn't going to make it better. There was no need for blame anymore there was only a need for finding a solution. Now not that you should need someone to uplift you on a daily basis.. But I did because I was broken and Heath took on that task like a champ. He went out of his way to make me believe in myself... and sure I still started fights like I had in the past, but he helped me work through them rather then making me want to do it more. He helped me realize how strong your mind can be if you work hard enough at it. I have never met someone so strong minded like Heath and it was such a refreshing thing to be around. As far as work went I left working with Joey because ultimately I just couldn't take the aggression anymore and his learning had pretty much come to a halt. My dad had offered me a job in the field I had all my life wanted to pursue (engineering and architecture) as a permit technician. It offered more pay and better hours and like I said I was ready for the change. Heath encouraged this change as well as the rest of my family so I went with it. And for once I was finally making good decisions again. I also had found God again by now. Realizing how wrong I did him in my wicked days. Now I can call on God at any moment and I can feel him right there with me. My life has made such a fantastic turn around its not even funny. At this new job I was quickly promoted to a drafter really doing a job I feel so proud of myself for. Heath and I have made nothing but success with the companies we have created and it's only because we have God right with us knowing we just want to do good with our lives. And even the bad situations we have been faced with - like Heath's dad getting a rare form of cancer and being told his chances weren't very good - we prayed and prayed and prayed and his father is called a miracle by every doctor he's seen because his cancer is completely gone. That's how strong God can be.

Living a life without God I was so easily led by the devil and look how close I came to not even having my life anymore. You can never let God out of your life. If I had stayed walking with God I probably would not have had to endure the pain I did, but I'm not regretful for it - as Heath would say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger and I can say it's true. Sure I still have times where I feel low or like my world is crashing, but I am quickly reminded of my past. Whenever I get in this negative way of thinking I call on God. I pray God please give me the strength to pull through this for this is not the person I am or want to be. I also refer my screaming rants now at the Devil because I know he is the cause of my irradical or negative thinking. He's lurking around every corner waiting for the opportunity to get me back into his hands and I refuse to go back! I tell him Devil leave me alone - you will not get the best of me today! And I'm not joking when I say these things it always seems to work out. I know that God sent Heath to me for a reason and it was to wake me up. All this time I was angry with God like he had done me wrong when I was only doing myself the injustice. Heath helped me realize how much I'm worth and that I had to fight through it. I do not take any medications for depression or ocd or anything and haven't for almost 3 years now. I seriously think now that they are not the solution for everyone and you should try everything in your power to work through your problems another way. My suggestion is God. God is always there for you - ALWAYS! If you give your life to him and stay with him he will always be there to comfort you. Sometimes when I am feeling frustrated all I have to do is read a few verses and I can already feel him letting me know it's going to be ok you can relax. I remember too one thing that I feel is just further proof of how close of a grip the devil had on me back then... I remember when it happen I thought it was just another reason to believe I was getting more crazy/psycho, but I know now what I saw was for real. I remember driving one day to work and looking to the right of me and seeing a man walking like a crazy person tongue wallering all around arms flapping around wildly, eyes turning in all different directions. He was so decrepit looking and evil looking like a demon it frightened me and in the blink of an eye he just disappeared. I know now I really did see a demon because demons do walk amongst us, only those who are lead by the devil can see them though and I was walking hand and hand with him at the time. I had surrounded myself with a bunch of people who didn't have faith and it no matter how strong you are it is so easy to fall away from God when you aren't surrounded by other people who know him. The crowds I had found didn't know him at all. In fact some of them outright practiced faiths lead by the devil. I should have used this opportunity to guide them in a right direction considering I had known God before, but I didn't. I am so ashamed to have let God down so much in that time period of my life, but I know he forgives me and probably respects me all the more for making the realization and wanting to let others know the truth.

It is so important to have God in your life. I watch the news these days and I see all this evil plastered all over it. It makes me sick. I even think while I know the news is to inform us I think it's a disgrace to God the way we display the devils pons on tv. It's giving him the exposure he wants and he doesn't deserve it. The devil wants you to live in fear people. He wants to make your life miserable and if you let him he will do everything in his power to do so. Don't give him that opportunity to - find God if you haven't already and if you know God thank him right now that you do. If more people had God in there lives I believe the irradical decisions that get made would be far less common. I believe people would in general live happier lives because they won't have room in their minds and body for the hate and anger the Devil wants you to feel. God is the answer and I just wish and hope more people will get the opportunity to realize that before he decides to end the world. At this rate it may not be long. He could come tomorrow for all we know and the question you need to ask yourself is are you ready?

I hope if nothing that at least one person who reads this, who may have lived a similar life or may have experienced similar moments of pain will see how much of a change God made in my life and realize he can do the same for you if you just let him in.

Peace and God Bless - Sarah